Strike 3 and I am not out!!! A change of plans in my cancer life.

I don't quite know how to feel as I write this post, as I think I am still in a little bit of shock and sadness from my Oncologist appointment today.

I had a CT scan last week, and I really have felt really good the past couple or three months.  I wasn't too concerned about my appointment, but I guessed wrong unfortunately.

The interesting thing I think, is that Sunday, two days ago, I was to talk about having gratitude through my illness, in Relief Society.  Ironically, my life changed a bit today, from my health I said on Sunday.

When my doctor came in, I wanted to see big smiles meaning that my cancer looked good.  She had a smile, mostly I guess to see me again from 2 months ago, but then came the news.

My cancer tumors are growing. And a new one in my liver.  She gave the dimensions of how much each one grew, which I cannot remember, but it seemed like somewhat bigger.  Anyway, bad news that I wont be taking my chemo pills, (Nexivar) anymore.  It had a chance to help me, and now lost it's luster with me and is being sent to pasture. I really didn't want to hear that I would now need to begin taking my chemotherapy intervanously. No more pill form of chemo.  :(    I guess that there really was a reason why I have "Lucy" (my chemo port....I named it St. Lucia.  Lucy for short) after all. 

Strike 1:  My doctor said I most likely could lose all my hair.  Only I probably wont be shaving my thinning hair this time.  It just may all fall out. (She didn't say that.  I did.)  That was such a sad thing to hear.  I just got it colored at the salon, which I hadn't been to since a year ago.  It isn't long enough to style, so I just had it colored.  I was sooooo longing to "very soon" not having to wear a wig or hat.  But then again..... maybe I will be the exception.  (Wishful thinking).

Strike 2: She also said it may make me nauseous but that they have great medicine now for that.  I can take about anything but feeling nauseated!!  But then again..... maybe I will be the exception.  (More wishful thinking).

Strike 3:  She said I may feel quite tired!!! Really?  I want a nap now as it is every day by 12-1:00 pm.  Oh yay...I will get up in the morning at 8 and be ready for a nap by 10 just like my 11 month old granddaughter.  We can nap together!! It will not be funny if I am ready to nap with her again for her afternoon nap also!!!!  Then again....I love napping. 

My doctor said I could go off the Nexivar for the next two weeks, and mentally re-adjust my thinking for this next phase of cancer and then we will start my "Lucy" chemo.  It could be once every three weeks.  We will see.

I always knew that I was on a high wire, and that some day it wouldn't keep me up there any more.  I remember when I started Nexivar, I was so scared to know what was ahead of me.  I did it, have been there, done that.  Now this new path I am taking is scary.  What will this bring?  Hopefully not another nasty horrifying rash!

But looking at the good side, I haven't been able to get in our hot tub this past year because of the Nexivar.  I can relax in it again this Fall/Winter.  Also, I already have Lucy, so no hospital surgery to get a port, and my blood pressure medicine may not be needed any more, since Nexivar added a lot of med's for that. That would be nice.

I know that things will be just fine.  I have been teary today, but hopefully this new "path" wont be too mean to me, but if it is....BEWARE ....I WILL FIGHT BACK! 

What does a CT scan do for me?

I have high anticipation this next couple of weeks.  I haven't seen my oncologist for a couple of months, nor have I had a CT scan for 8 months.  I am doing both the next two weeks.

For those of you who don't know what a CT scan does for me, it shows where the tumors are in my body, and how big they are. A year ago, my first CT showed I had cancer tumors initially.  That was when my family doctor called us in to tell us the not so good news.  A cluster of them around my liver, but not really attached to anything inside, except a very small spot on my liver.  There was also a secondary site where a cluster had also started up, in my chest which were just pin sized.  That is why they said it is stage  four because it has spread to a different site.

The second CT was done in October, and it showed the tumors were a little larger than they were in July. Then in December, the CT showed them back to the size they had been in July.  That was great news.  The pin sized cancer cells were still pin sized.

So this CT scan on Monday will be really important for me to hear the outcome.  It will tell me what a year of Nexavar  (chemo) has done for me.  Is it shrinking the tumors? Are they still growing?  Are more spreading? I had been told by my oncologist that Nexavar would not clear the cancer.  That clearing it could not be done.  It was to try to keep them from getting larger and spreading more.  That is as good as the chemo could do for me.

I am very hopeful.  I feel like I am the same today as I was a year ago. That is my hope.  The week after my CT, I will see my oncologist and she will tell me what they found.  Good news would be that things are still the same and not worse.

I have had an amazing past year, believe it or not. A person can have an amazing life even if you are sick.  Too many things have been a spiritual high, and a really great love for so many people in my life between my family, neighbors and friends.  I have so many people who have helped me emotionally, and spiritually, and have just been so kind and loving.  So that is how this past year has been so amazing. I am so much more thankful for everything in my life.  Things I used to take for granted.  Each day is a gift I am given, and I love it.  Whew.  I can't wait for August 26th to come.  I will know much more about my future.