Strike 3 and I am not out!!! A change of plans in my cancer life.

I don't quite know how to feel as I write this post, as I think I am still in a little bit of shock and sadness from my Oncologist appointment today.

I had a CT scan last week, and I really have felt really good the past couple or three months.  I wasn't too concerned about my appointment, but I guessed wrong unfortunately.

The interesting thing I think, is that Sunday, two days ago, I was to talk about having gratitude through my illness, in Relief Society.  Ironically, my life changed a bit today, from my health I said on Sunday.

When my doctor came in, I wanted to see big smiles meaning that my cancer looked good.  She had a smile, mostly I guess to see me again from 2 months ago, but then came the news.

My cancer tumors are growing. And a new one in my liver.  She gave the dimensions of how much each one grew, which I cannot remember, but it seemed like somewhat bigger.  Anyway, bad news that I wont be taking my chemo pills, (Nexivar) anymore.  It had a chance to help me, and now lost it's luster with me and is being sent to pasture. I really didn't want to hear that I would now need to begin taking my chemotherapy intervanously. No more pill form of chemo.  :(    I guess that there really was a reason why I have "Lucy" (my chemo port....I named it St. Lucia.  Lucy for short) after all. 

Strike 1:  My doctor said I most likely could lose all my hair.  Only I probably wont be shaving my thinning hair this time.  It just may all fall out. (She didn't say that.  I did.)  That was such a sad thing to hear.  I just got it colored at the salon, which I hadn't been to since a year ago.  It isn't long enough to style, so I just had it colored.  I was sooooo longing to "very soon" not having to wear a wig or hat.  But then again..... maybe I will be the exception.  (Wishful thinking).

Strike 2: She also said it may make me nauseous but that they have great medicine now for that.  I can take about anything but feeling nauseated!!  But then again..... maybe I will be the exception.  (More wishful thinking).

Strike 3:  She said I may feel quite tired!!! Really?  I want a nap now as it is every day by 12-1:00 pm.  Oh yay...I will get up in the morning at 8 and be ready for a nap by 10 just like my 11 month old granddaughter.  We can nap together!! It will not be funny if I am ready to nap with her again for her afternoon nap also!!!!  Then again....I love napping. 

My doctor said I could go off the Nexivar for the next two weeks, and mentally re-adjust my thinking for this next phase of cancer and then we will start my "Lucy" chemo.  It could be once every three weeks.  We will see.

I always knew that I was on a high wire, and that some day it wouldn't keep me up there any more.  I remember when I started Nexivar, I was so scared to know what was ahead of me.  I did it, have been there, done that.  Now this new path I am taking is scary.  What will this bring?  Hopefully not another nasty horrifying rash!

But looking at the good side, I haven't been able to get in our hot tub this past year because of the Nexivar.  I can relax in it again this Fall/Winter.  Also, I already have Lucy, so no hospital surgery to get a port, and my blood pressure medicine may not be needed any more, since Nexivar added a lot of med's for that. That would be nice.

I know that things will be just fine.  I have been teary today, but hopefully this new "path" wont be too mean to me, but if it is....BEWARE ....I WILL FIGHT BACK!