The Beginning of the end

It is 4:00 in the morning and sleep is not possible.  Yesterday was a changing day for me.  A new chapter of my life.

I started the day having a CT scan in Ogden.  Then I came home to wait for my radiation doctor to call and tell Kim and I the news about it and the MRI.  I just haven't felt good about what I was going to hear.

Later in the day, around 4:00, 12 hours ago, we were told that I have 8 new tumors in a left quadrant of my liver.  These have surfaced in the last few weeks.  They have come fast.  Not only that, I have two lesions in my left lung and 6 in my right lung.  My doctor said that he can't do radiation to the liver tumors because I could have liver failure.  And essentially, there is nothing he can do.  I guess he called my regular oncologist and they talked.  Between the two of them, they said that there wasn't anything more that they could do for me.  I do see my regular oncologist this Thursday when I will ask about my time line.  I feel in my heart that it won't be very long because the tumors are rapidly growing.  The liver tumors are about a half inch each and the lesions in the lungs are about a quarter inch each.  It is the beginning of the end.

We called our kids with the tearful news.  How do you tell your kids something like this?  And how do they respond?  I then called my brothers and sister.  I told each child and sibling of my love for them.  Something I don't tell everyone as often as I should.

Kim and I had some tearful moments the rest of the day and evening.  He called his sister and brother also.  In our tender moments together, we talked about eternity.  Our sealing in the temple was the beginning of our eternal family.  That is the most important thing to me.

The bishop and his wife came over later in the evening and spent some time with us and I loved how he put it, that we will just be in different rooms is all.  He gave us each a blessing which I was so appreciative of.  Especially Kim getting one.  He needed one as much as I did.

It makes me so sad to see my children sad.  That is going to be hard is to watch them deal with this.  And especially to see Kim grieve.  To see the tears run down his cheeks is difficult for me.  But like he keeps telling me, we need to get our heads above the clouds and look at this.  Look at the big picture.  We know when we come to earth, at some point, we will die.  It's the plan.

Anyone reading this blog, I want you to know that I have a testimony in my heart.  I know that Christ is real and that my Father in Heaven knows exactly what I am feeling and my family is feeling and he is comforting Kim and I at this time.  I have been praying that he will comfort my children also.

I am not so good with words, but I have tried to write somewhat that is in my heart.