Seeing Dr. Klein, my oncologist. I look cute? Are you kidding? I'LL TAKE IT!

Yesterday was a great day! I visited my oncologist.  I haven't seen her for two months. They flushed my port. Took blood, weighed me, (these are things that I do each time I go) took my blood pressure, and waited to see her in room 1. I was told during my port flushing, "Oh you look so cute".  That made my day since I don't have people tell me that with the "hat-thing" these days.  But she said it. 

When my doctor came in the room, she said, "Oh you look fabulous". I looked at her like, "what"?  I realized that all women feel unattractive during chemo.  They lose their hair and they feel like they have lost beauty, identity, self esteem, and this whole office works to build it back up for you.  Two thumbs up for my doctors office.

She said that I have now been going to her for just over a year, as it was June 4th last year. She smiled, as if she was so happy about it. She asked me the usual questions I get asked each time.  Some of them are funny.  An example:
"Do you eat because you have to or because you are hungry?"
Geeze.......BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY. But I understand why they ask it. I have had times that I just didn't want to eat.  That is why I lost my 30 lbs. Lack of wanting to eat.  But I don't feel that any more! yay! 

She told us from my blood taken that my iron might be low or that I might have bleeding in my stomach.  She poked around my stomach and I didn't feel tender.  There could be a chance I have to have another endoscopy.  Hopefully not.

She said that I am doing great, and look great and how happy it makes her.  I asked her if my cancer could be slow growing.  She said it could be and I could have had it 1-2 years. Maybe not.  It doesn't seem to be growing too fast now, but between all the prayers and such going out in my behalf, and my chemo I take daily, the liver cancer seems to be doing nothing right now. She wants to see me in two months.  Just prior to seeing her, I will take another CT scan and she will tell me the results when I come in.

During our family prayer, I all of a sudden lost it.  I could not talk from the lump in my throat.  I just was overcome with gratefulness that I get to hang out with you all for hopefully a long time to come.  Things are looking good!

Life After Death

This is the book I just talked briefly about in my last post that I just wrote.  This book has changed my thinking about paradise and what happens when we die.  I feel so comforted to know the things that I learned reading this. I totally believe everything he said.  I strongly suggest anyone wanting to know about their loved ones after they die, to read this book. I am not scared of the transition when it happens to me.  It's all about service on the other side.  I just hope I can give service here so I can practice for there when my time comes......which will be a long time down the road is my plan! 

Another year of Nexavar. Get better Vi.

I haven't written for quite awhile.  Not because I am a slacker.  Because, things are pretty much the same this past month.  A lot of palm and foot pain.  I am taking some medication now to help with those nerve endings. I am now taking it three times a day in hopes that it will help.

The company that makes my Nexavar, (my chemo tablets) called us.  Remember when I started a year ago being told I would be taking Nexavar, and how expensive it was.  Between $800-$900 a month!  That is an insult to charge people that to help them live longer. Anyway, we had to talk to the company to see if we could get the amount lowered, and they did.  Lowered it a ton!  Well, our time is expiring and we have to fill out all this paperwork again. They called us three days ago, and they almost tripled what we are paying now, but we are still grateful as it is a far cry from how much it could be.  It is hopefully prolonging my life and blessing me. I would like to believe it is.

I would like to tell my stepmom Vi, how much it means to me when she sends me cards, thoughts, pictures, and special poems in the mail to raise my spirits when I am down.  She has really shown love and kindness to me through my struggles.

Right now, she is in the hospital struggling with her own health.  I want her to know I am now praying for HER on my end.  Wishing for her to have a total recovery and be the Vi that I have known  for all these years. The same loving and kind person that she is. Hang in the Vi.  I truely care for you and want you to get to go home soon.

I want to tell about this wonderful book about a man who dies, and is able to tell about his experience on the other side.  I will try to put my thoughts about it soon.

Love my life. Love my family and neighbors and friends, and especially love my husband, Kim. Thank you to all of you following the path I am traveling.

I need to do a little "poor baby"

This last week or so has been a little difficult for me. I guess I have just been tired of all the stuff going on with me that just make me not feel well. My feet just really hurt on the bottoms. I am tired of limping most days.My hands and face are dry and chappy. My palms are sore.My tongue is also so sore and tender.  The constant diarrhea is getting me down, and as I pop my tons of medicine every morning and night, I want to throw it all down the drain and say "to heck with it".

My mouth always has sores that wake me up in the night with a pain that would feel like pain spreading fast like fireworks going off in my whole mouth during the night. Then in a few seconds it is over until it happens again before morning.

And my blasted hair is growing so slow, it makes me so so sad.  I just want it to be long enough to look good in a short cut.  But it doesn't. I hate to put this on paper, but I just feel so not pretty. (A nicer way to put it).

I look in the mirror on a no-hat or wig day, and I feel I look so unattractive. It makes me really feel sad. Cancer does a number on a person. Physically and mentally. I feel like I need a mental makeover.  However that would be.  ( I think I may have made that word up.)  I guess all this is tiring me and wearing me out with the same things, day after day. I keep thinking, I know it could be worse. I get that. I think of that all the time.  I want to feel pretty with my short curly hair that stands up straight on my head and makes me feel like a boy!  It is getting summer. I want to not have to wear hats and look nice.

Sorry I'm whining. I don't like to. It's just been tough recently with it all.

It's been one year!

On Mother's Day,  it was one year ago that I became very sick and went to the doctor the very next day.  One year ago today, Kim and I were told I had cancer.  Then a long process took place before I knew what kind.  Maybe almost two months.  I wouldn't change this past year for anything.  I thought about it the other day, if I could go back to my life before cancer.  And I surprisingly wouldn't want to.  I have changed.  Kim has changed.  My whole family has changed.  I think it has brought us closer.  I am happier now than ever before.  I am not scared of death, or the other side.  So, no...I wouldn't want to go back and not go through what I have gone through. It has been a huge blessing. I know it sounds crazy, but it has. I am a survivor! A happy one.

My Curly Hair

So here is my very curly hair coming back.  It does seems to be coming out but I am hoping it is because of the change from winter to spring.  I seem to go through loosing some hair that time of year.  It will grow extremely slow while I am on chemo and it sure is.

What? Not again!

Ok....so......my HAIR is FALLING OUT AGAIN.  Dog gone it. Take a deep breath.  Enough said.

Great day to be alive!

I am sooooo happy today:  Let me tell you why:

Friday, April 18, I met my new Family Doctor for the first time. Kim and I really liked him a lot.  He spent 1 1/2 hours with me that day.  Kim went with me to see what he thought of him.  We both were completely sold on him. He was so supportive of me with all the stuff he will be treating me for, especially my cancer. It was a great appointment.

Today, 4 days later, I went to see my oncologist.  I haven't seen her for 2 months, and she was glad to see us again.
2 good things:
1.  My blood was great.  Nothing out of the ordinary
2.  She said I am doing great. And no CT scan for 3 or 4 more months! 

I haven't had a CT scan since Christmas but she doesn't feel I need to have another for quite some time.  She made the comment that I have been coming to her now for almost a year. I told her that by my first oncologists opinion, I should almost be dead.  Then Kim, (cough), said, (cough, cough):  "He is a horses ---". I looked at him like, "what did you just say"?
My doctor peeked around her computer at him with this surprised look like, "did you just say what I think you did"? We both were staring at him for just blurting that out. I felt like saying, "Kim......tell us how you feel about him, why don't you?" Then my doctor started laughing.  She started trying to give us that other doctors point of view those 11 months ago, and why he would say the things he did.  After she was through talking, Kim said. " He's still a  butthead. I will now shut my mouth". We both were laughing.

Anyway....I am so thankful for today.  I feel even more certain than I did before that I am doing  good, and that I need to make goals and plans for my life more than just a few months in advance.  

She helped me today with some of the things happening to me from the chemo, but told me that I am lucky.  Most people have such worse things to go through.  I was so in agreement.

Anyway, I feel on top of the world today!  Woo hoo! I am loving life!!!!!  

Health update....... Lots of "Ouches".

I have been extremely blessed to have not needed to see my oncologist only once so far in the past three and a half months.  I see her again in a couple of weeks, which I am sure she will get me another cat scan appointment.  It will have been 4 months by then.

I don't know if  it is the length of  time spent on chemo, or if my cancer is getting worse.  I only know that I am feeling much more affected by the chemo.  My poor tongue feels like it has been badly burnt, everywhere.  It is so hard to chew anything crunchy or anything chewy.  Anything remotely spicy or hotter than very lukewarm sends me through the roof. I feel like I have to chew like I am a child learning how to chew solid food.  I have to gingerly move the food around in my mouth and I feel self conscious now of people watching me eat.

Yesterday and today have been crippling.  The bottoms of my feet hurt enough that I can't walk well. I have had to wear socks the last few months around the house from the tenderness of my feet, but now it seems nothing seems to help.  My palms also have gotten more severe, and there are quite a few things I can't do now with my hands.  It has been frustrating.

I also have felt very very tired.  By noon some days, I am ready for a nap, and I feel a dramatic difference in my strength.  I feel weak.  I am having a harder time lately.

My blood pressure has gotten really high the last few weeks, which has made it necessary to find me another family doctor to replace our previous one who died the end of December.

I have looked forward for conference to buoy me up.  I don't want to complain and be a Debbie Downer.  That is for sure.  If I start acting like that, will somebody kick my butt!

Hey....a good thing though!  My hair is growing more, but because of the curls, it looks shorter.  But as soon as it gets warmer, I may try to go out with no hat or wig.  I was able to color it darker so it isn't white (or orange) and it looks thicker now.  The top front is still really sparse.  But getting hair back is making me happy.

My Talk In Sacrament Meeting

The bishop asked me to speak in Sacrament meeting last Sunday on how the priesthood has influenced my life. I was actually very happy to speak on that subject since as of late I have  had more priesthood blessings than normal. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood .  I feel it and am comforted. As happy as I am with our new kitchen, I am more grateful I have an honorable priesthood holder in my home. Life is good!

Old kitchen....VS......New Kitchen

 

Above is pictures of our old kitchen.  Below is our new Kitchen.

 

 

 

 

 



 I never ever expected it to be so beautiful.  Thank you to all who helped to make it like this.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

(We haven't brought the table in yet.)

Vacation in Southern Carribean

This past two weeks have been so much fun.  We went to the Southern Carribean out of San Juan and went to St. Thomas, St. John, Barbados, ST LUCIA, St. Kitts, and St. Marten.  The main place I was excited to see, is evident! St.Lucia.  If you have followed my blog, I had a port put in  my chest back in June to be able to hook up my chemo to.  I ended up being able to have my chemo through a pill, and haven't utilized my port other than to have it accessed every six weeks to clean it out.  My niece said I should give it a name, which made me laugh.  I decided since it was a port, I would name it my favorite "port" which is definitely St.Lucia.  So when we went to St. Lucia last week,  I introduced my "Lucy", to her name sake, St. Lucia.  I have always thought of St. Lucia as what Heaven would be like.  On our water tour around the island, I was talking to a sweet 20 year old St. Lucian young lady, and I told her heaven would look like this island.  She very quickly answered me with the best comment ever.  "Heaven is going to be ever so much better than St. Lucia".  I feel so lucky to have been able to go back again.

We got back Monday night, and when we came in the house, there were welcome home flowers and balloons and my new drawers in my kitchen were filled with plastic black ants and rubber mice!  Oh yay!  It was pretty funny!

On our vacation, I had some rough days.  Kim gave me a blessing one night, and many other prayers were given for different difficulties I had.  One morning, we had just started a tour on Barbados, and I got very ill. I knew there was something I could do to help the pain, but didn't know what.  I silently prayed,  and said that I knew HE knew what I could do for me to help myself.  Please help me to know.  The second I finished, I was told to drink some of my bottled water.  I did, and I was able to feel so  much better within a minute. I ended up in the onboard doctors office one day from an ear ache but my bad times were so minute to the great time I had on our vacation. I found out that my skin reacts to sun much differently than before chemo. I would get red blotches from the sun in weird places.

While we were gone, our kitchen was finished.  The day after we were home, our appliances arrived and now I am busy putting things away in my cabinets.  I feel like I am having Christmas times 10!

THUMBS UP!

Ok. This is the best week. Crazy......yes. Wonderful......yes. Exciting......another yes.
Today I saw my oncologist Dr. Klein. (Did I say how much I love her? Oh, yes.  I already have probably more than once). I trust her totally with my life. She is witty, kind, she cares for me. I feel it. Sense it. Everyone in her office couldn't be more loving. All of them women, which I didn't know when I went there, but they are the best.
Today in visiting with her, my port, Lucy, (St. Lucia) was flushed out since I don't use it with taking my chemo in pill form.  It has to be flushed out every 6 weeks.  It actually had been two months.  My blood tests were wonderful.  Everything looked good.  I was so happy. Dr. Klein said I still look healthy. She talked to me about my hair quite awhile.  She is happy about how it is coming back.  She said most times it comes in gray or white and color comes after awhile more of growing.  She also says the hair usually grows very slow taking chemo. That is the truth!!!!! It is still so short. Hardly any on top.  Mostly on the back and sides. Today was great hearing good news.

This week, our kitchen is being rebuilt.  He will start Thursday. Countertops Friday. And I am ecstatic! I constantly daydream about how it will all come together.

Kim has vacation soon and I can't wait to go to a warm climate and just forget all my concerns and worries for the past 10 months and just get to be normal for awhile. I told that to Dr, Klein, and she said, "you are normal". I told her I have a new normal these days. My new world of normal. I am reminded of it every time I look in the mirror.  That's one reason I want my hair to come back so I don't see the "no hair" look each day.

I talked to Dr. Klein about feeling like my face is aging rapidly. She laughed and said I am not. She sees no difference, and why I think that is because most women when they look in the mirror, they adjust their hair, or something to do with their hair. When you have no hair, your whole face is bare with nothing to hide it and lines on your face are more noticeable because of no hair for your eyes to go to.  It made sense and made me feel better.  She always seems to have an answer for everything. It is comforting.  Life is crazy and exciting! I love it. Thank you for wanting to read my blog. Over 13,000 hits! And it's only me!!!!  So humbled!!!!

My Aging Body and growing hair

I saw my oncologist almost two months ago.  It was the longest time in between visits that I have had thus far.  Today is Thursday, and I will see her Tuesday.  I am assuming everything will go fine.  I haven't had particularly anything awful happen.  Just the same stuff.  Very tender tongue, bottoms of feet and very tender palms.  I seem to be aging off the scale fast, on my face.  It is happening other places also, but my face visually ages weekly.  That has been disheartening, but Kim keeps telling me he doesn't notice nor does he care.  I told him after several more months I will look like his mom, not his wife.  

My hair is probably about two inches or just under, and curly, and the orange has washed out.  I am getting it colored next week before our vacation so I have noticeable hair.  I won't color it myself, as you saw in a previous post, it didn't take for some reason. 

Can't wait to find out about my blood tests.  They have always been pretty good.  I am planning on it being the same. It was so nice to have had a two month break. More to tell next week.

My Kitchen

Last spring, around March or April, we got serious about remodeling our kitchen.  We had some money saved and after 39 years, it was the kitchen's turn to be remodeled.  I was so excited because, essentially it is 'my' room in the house.  I know where I put things, and I mostly am the one in there. I was so excited to pick out our cabinets, countertops, colors of paint, etc.  We had talked with the cabinet builder and had set the date to install cabinets, the first or second week of June.  I had picked out my appliances and everything.  I had waited a long time for this and it was finally going to happen.

 

 

The first week of May, was when my cancer symptoms surfaced and I was diagnosed with liver cancer. At the time, we had no choice but to cancel our kitchen plans.  I was in and out of hospitals, surgeries, all kinds of hospital tests, and chemotherapy.  Week by week our money saved for the kitchen, depleted.  Kim said he didn't want the kitchen anyway, if I wasn't going to be in it.  At the time, we had been told I had just one year to live.

 

In the fall, I talked to Kim about the kitchen again, and he was less than enthusiastic about it.  He said he had enough on his mind with all that was happening, and he couldn't take on anything else right now.  Besides, our money was now half of what we had saved.  I was sick inside.  It was my fault the money had to be spent, so I should just accept that I would never get my new kitchen.

 

Then Kim came up with an idea of not doing it like we had planned, but do a modest remodeling, by only replacing cabinets, and no walls taken out.  It would save on replacing flooring, and not much mess, and MUCH less expensive.  I knew that this was better than nothing, so I accepted the fact that my kitchen would not be opened up with the wall between the table and cabinets gone.

 

The next thing I knew, after Christmas, he talked to me more about it, and if we didn't do this and that, less expensive appliances and so forth, maybe we could proceed ahead.  I was so excited I couldn't sleep.

 

With the help of some very kind and thoughtful neighbors, who offered to help us with the remodeling project with all the things Kim and I have no idea how to do, (electrical things, canned lighting, refinishing walls, etc.) they were willing to give of their time to help us make this project a reality, and we got to take out the wall!!! Woo hoo!!

 

This past two weeks has been quite the project thus far, and we are way down the ladder still from being finished. But as we have learned with all of our remodeling projects through 39 years, "you have to make a huge mess to have a beautiful outcome". 

 

 



 These two pictures are the same wall. Goodbye wallpaper, and everything else on the wall.

 

These next two pictures are the wall we are taking out, to open the room up.

 

 

And this is my kitchen pictures. These cabinets are metal and our house is the house Kim grew up in.  It was built just after World War II.  This kitchen is from 1949.  I am so happy to wave goodbye to them!!!!

 

 

This pretty much sums up what it looks like now.  The stove is still there so we can cook and Kim left  the sink intact until we "have" to remove it.

The room is so open now.  My dream is coming true! I can't wait to see the completed project.  Hopefully in a month.  Until then, our kitchen is in the living room. I am so happy my cancer did not stop this project.  Whether I am here many more years, or less, it needed to be replaced, and thanks to some friends and neighbors sharing their time, it is becoming a reality!!!  I love my life!

Curly eyelashes!

I noticed yesterday that my eye lashes are growing back....and they are curly!  I have always had the straightest eyelashes and had to use an eye lash curler.  I tried to put a little mascara on the lashes coming back.  I couldn't see them before because they are colorless.  When I tried the mascara is when I saw they were coming in curly!  I have a big smile! Yay!

The Power of Prayer and the Priesthood

There are most likely some of you reading this that are not a member of my faith.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Some call us Mormons because we have another set of scriptures that goes along with the Bible, that takes place in America.  The Book of Mormon.

Yesterday, I talked with my husband and told him how strongly I felt that my cancer condition should be such a more debilitating story today, 9 months later, than it is.  I literally have felt the power of so many of your prayers.  I have had the most beautiful blessings through the priesthood power of those having priesthood authority in our church. It has blessed me emotionally, spiritually and physically. I know there have been those of you who have fasted for me.  Prayed for me.  Put my name on the prayer rolls of our temples all over the world.  With the faith of those wonderful people, I am here today living my life happily, with my cancer pretty much the same as it was 9 months ago. Not better, but not worse.  I feel a peace in my soul that comes from all of these things coming together and blessing me, my husband and family.


I asked Kim yesterday, "How can I thank all of those who have prayed and fasted for me? I don't even know who all of you are?".  He gave me good advise.  He told me to pray for others who need prayer. That is how I can pay- it- forward.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your cards, and well wishes have blessed Kim and I.

OOPS!

OK..so I tried to color my hair.....and the color was NOT ORANGE! This is not funny!!!! (Well, maybe a little).

Great CT scan news! Yay Nexavar!

Skippety do da. Skippety-ay. Happy New Year to me. My CT scan showed the enlarged tumors from two months ago,  back to their original size.  Nothing has gotten worse, larger, or spread.  Dr. Klein had a huge grin! She was pretty happy!

I finally today, feel like I have broken away from the evil spell that Oncologist #1 put over me, of thinking my time is limited to 12 months left on this earth. There is no way!  I am not any worse today than I was in May.  I finally feel free from his spell he has cast over me for the past 7 months. I don't feel burdened down with his sentence I was given any more.  He was wrong, and that's that! I am so happy today.

So all of you reading this. I am still kicking and screaming and am not giving up! 2014 is going to be my year!

Yay Nexavar!!! You are doing something good!

Dr. Qader. I will miss you.

I just received word this Sunday evening that my family doctor, Dr. Qader, died of a heart attack last night.  I think I am still in shock!!! He has tried to preserve my life multiple times in helping me with my blood pressure, cholesterol, and all the things you go to a doctor for.  And most recently, he had me have a CT scan in May, to see why I was so sick, and he called Kim and I in his office to personally tell us that I had cancer.  He didn't want to do it over the phone.

I first met Dr. Qader when I had a stroke, 7 years ago.  He was my doctor in the hospital. Our insurance changed and so we couldn't go to our regular family doctor.  I was so impressed with Dr. Qader in the hospital and his exquisite care he gave me, that I wanted him to be our new family doctor.  He has been like a friend to Kim and I. He would even read this blog. He has been so supportive to me through all this cancer stuff, and most recently worked so hard to get my blood pressure regulated.  What a wonderful person.  Doctors aren't supposed to die on us!  They are supposed to keep us alive and healthy until they retire.  He was much younger than Kim and I.  It shouldn't have been his time to go. I am so so saddened. A very smart, caring, and kind man has passed on.

On Friday, when I left getting my CT scan, and I was passing Dr. Qaders office, I had this feeling I needed to stop in and wish them all happy holidays, and I didn't do it!  It was one day before he was gone.  Why did I not listen to that small voice that told me to go say hello. It would have been my personal goodbye.

Post Christmas Thoughts

Looking back at some of the Christmas parties, and activities I have had, it has been sobering.  This is a picture of my Thatcher Family Christmas Party at our home.  I love being with them.  I wonder if I will ever have them at my home again.  Was it the last time?  I would hope not.  But if it is, I want them to know how much fun I had having them here.  I love my brothers and sister and their families.  I wish Gordon and his family had lived closer to come also.

As I think of putting away my Christmas decorations, I want to put the most important things that I want Kim to bring out next year on top.  He can pick the things that he likes the most to have out for the family.  It is so sobering to think along the lines of not being here next year with them all.  But I am at peace within myself if it doesn't happen even though it makes me sad, and I don't want to believe that it may be so.  It has been a great holiday that I have loved every minute of:
"The ward Christmas party, my office party dinner, our office pot luck, Christmas Eve with my kids and their families, Christmas carolers, Christmas lights on temple square, doing the nativity,Christmas day with my husband and son, Christmas cards from so many.   Goodies and treats from so many neighbors."  It is all what Christmas is in my world.  Especially knowing why we celebrate the season.

I am planning on being here for a very long time, but I have to be realistic that there is a chance I may not experience Christmas with my family and friends again.  Therefore, I leave these feeling I have on this blog today.

On another note, I got a CT scan again yesterday.  Gotta love drinking barium!!!  YUM.  I will find out all about the scan on Tuesday afternoon as I visit with my Doctor.  By the way, she is a wonderful oncologist and her name is Dr. Regina Klein. I highly recommend her if any of you are ever in my shoes.

Ice Cream and my Christmas Necklace

Today is the day after Christmas.  Let me tell you about my Christmas.

First of all, food doesn't taste all that good for the most part, much of the time, and it hurts my tongue.  A food that sounds good this morning, may sound awful in 2 hours and sound awful for days.  It's crazy.  But something I crave ALL THE TIME NOW IS ICE CREAM!! It never ceases to amaze me how much I want ice cream!!  I have to keep buying some to stay in my freezer.  Or order a shake at Wendy's.  I have no idea why that always sounds good, when most everything else is always so iffy.  I know....I am nuts....(over ice cream, that is).

Yesterday was Christmas, and how sweet it was.  I had my family all around me on Christmas Eve, and we had such a wonderful time. Kim and I had made ceramic plates for each family member with their name and a picture that reminded us of them on it. Each couple had their wedding date and name. We spent several hours and multiple trips to the ceramic store to make them all, and watching them all open their plates on Christmas Eve, made me very emotional to watch their excited faces and hear them all chattering to each other about them.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I saw their happy faces. It was so worth the effort of our "not-so-professional" plates. They didn't seem to care.

Christmas morning, we had our son Shane here from Henderson, NV and the three of us enjoyed watching each other open our gifts.  In the toe of my stocking, from my 'Knight In Shining Armor', was a small box. Inside was two necklaces, with a half heart on each that fit together and made a beautiful whole heart.  On each half heart said, BFF. (Best Friends Forever).As I looked at them, I was curious about who was going to wear the other half, as I was certain half was for me.  He announced proudly that even though he has never been a jewelry wearer, or rings, or a watch or anything of the sort, he would be wearing the other half of that necklace always, because I was his Best Friend. Oh my gosh.......the flood gates erupted in my eyes as I had just heard my husband tell me that he was going to wear a necklace to remind him of me always!  That is soooooooo out of character for my ruff tuff husband. He came over and tenderly put mine around my neck and handed me his to clasp around his neck.  It really isn't noticeable that much which I am glad about for his sake.  What a tender time that I shall never forget.....ever! That was the sweetest thing and I shall never forget it.

Merry Christmas to all who reads this blog.  Thank you for checking in to see what is going on in my "mostly uneventful" life.

I have not put anything on my blog for quite awhile.  I have been so busy with Christmas that I literally haven't had time.  I get pretty tired in the evenings and I go to bed when Kim does, which is 8:30, since he has to get up at 3:15 in the morning.  I do have a couple of pictures I want to put on.  I will try to tomorrow.

I do have another CT scan that I am getting on the 27th of December.  That will tell us what the cancer is doing. I cross my fingers.

Kim and I had a special moment a few days ago.  I don't really know how to explain it.  And I can't do it justice on paper. 

We were sitting at the table opening some Christmas cards we had received in the mail that day.  I looked on the wall where I tape them up after reading them.  As I stared at the cards on the wall, I got really emotional wondering if this was my last Christmas.  No words were spoken between us and I looked at Kim and tears were freely rolling down his cheeks also.  I had no idea he was having his own thoughts and emotions.  We looked at each other with tears streaming down our cheeks, not knowing what the other was thinking.  We then embraced each other and had a moment to connect emotionally. It was tender. 

I still don't know his thoughts during that moment, and he doesn't know mine, but I feel we were in sinc for those few minutes as we thought about our future.

My Gingerbread House this year!

My kids and their families decorate gingerbread houses every year.  This is mine.  I just put all of them on facebook under Terry Lynn Warner, if you want to go on and see them all.  They are fun.

10,000 Views! Wow! Thanksgiving. ER

This week of thanksgiving has been one one the best weeks but for my health, one of the worst weeks.  I have had so many complications from my Nexavar this week.  One thing happens, and then that causes something else to happen and I am going around in circles.  I went to the emergency room Friday, and they really didn't know much how to help me much .  Very frustrating.  The good part of the week is what I want to focus on.  Having all my kids and their families here for thanksgiving. Then Saturday, watching my grandson be baptized.  Sunday, my granddaughter was blessed, and we also celebrated my little adopted grandsons first birthday.  So lots of things that have made this an awesome and memorable week.

This blog just hit over 10,000 views!  I can't believe it! Thank you! I just wish I knew who you all were so I could thank you personally for your concern.

We just put our Christmas tree up tonight, and I am so geared up for Christmas.  I love the holidays.

Kim.  Thank you for your love and patience for me.

Diagnosed with Cancer 6 1/2 months ago

I was diagnosed with cancer 6 1/2 months ago.  By my first oncologists time line for me......I have 5 1/2 months left to live, and I don't even look sick yet!  Hum.  I think he rattled our family carelessly.  My blood tests come back every 2 weeks not much different than the month before.  Not to say that prayers of you all haven't helped me immensely.  They have.  They have also helped me emotionally.  I don't believe what that doctor said to me that day, but it has been hard to erase that comment from my mind.  I think I have to get really ill looking and feeling, before kicking the bucket.  I have a long way to go to get to that point.......thankfully! In fact, I tell myself.... maybe I don't really have cancer.  Maybe its all a big mistake!!!!  ;)  Don't I wish!

The NO HAIR look

I guess I don't even need to explain this picture.  I finally dared put it up.  It is part of my illness, and I need to document it.

Yesterday, at work, one of my co-workers had me go online and see the Utah girl who just won a beauty pageant and she was bald. She is getting national attention.  She said she could have worn a wig, but she was being judged on beauty and not on her hair, and she won!  I am not a beauty by no means, but this is who I am right now, and that story gave me the courage to put this on.

4 NEXIVAR!

I get to take all 4 of my Nexivar......FINALLY! 
My blood pressure is finally normal.  I am finally going to have my full dose after waiting 3 1/2 months!  Those cancer cells are gonna die!

A new hair color!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok! I guess I can be a little mad/ grumpy about this.  If I can't, I am anyway.

I was told by my hairdresser, that most times when women loose their hair  during chemo, that it comes in differently than it was before.  So I was aware I may have some change in my hair.

Well, I initially had it shaved the first of September.  As my hair started growing back, I could see my normal hair color and texture coming back.  I would always keep checking it out closely, even though it was only a half inch or so.... But it looked like my normal hair.

I had it shaved again a few weeks ago.  AND IT IS NOT MY SAME HAIR COMING BACK IN! It is almost pure WHITE!  And VERY CURLY!  I have WHITE CURLY HAIR!! My gosh!  I thought I have been imagining it the last week or so, since my head is so light.  The darker hair was not coming through.  And it looked liked it was fuzzy white!  I finally said something to Kim tonight about how my hair is coming in differently.  He said he had noticed it also that it looked so light and he thought it looked curly!  SO I AM NOT IMAGINING IT! It isn't gray.  IT IS WHITE!  AND YES I AM THROWING A MINI TANTRUM! I am not ready for this change too!!!! Dag-nabit!

(Woo hoo for hair color)

(Ok, my daughter, Emily just called and I let out my frustration on her.  She had a marvelous idea!  She told me to shave it a third time, and maybe it will come in red!) hahahahaha

My physical symptoms from cancer or chemo.

I have had several people ask me how I am feeling, and what are my symptoms?  Here is what is happening on a daily basis:

My hair is still falling out.  Maybe it will continue until it is all gone.  I don't know.

The palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet are red and are very heat sensitive.  They are quite sore most of the day.  I have to wear socks since my feet are too sensitive to walking barefoot. With my hands, they are too sore to unscrew bottles, or do things that require pressure to my hands.

My tongue is also very sore all of the time.  Even toast is hard to chew because it hurts.  It is also very heat sensitive and I have to have my food cooled way down.

High blood pressure and headaches a lot.

Bloating and abdominal pain occasionally.

My knees hurting

I feel so lucky that is all I have!  It could be soooooo much worse.  I can handle those things. I thank my Father in Heaven all the time that I don't have worse symptoms.  

Results of my CT scan and my knees

By the time I got to my oncologist appointment late this afternoon, my blood pressure was way too high.  I can always tell when the nurse is taking it, from the look on her face if it is high or not.  I got the "oh, oh...it's high" look.  And it had been so good for several days. (Darn it).

Waiting in my oncologists patient room, was so hard.  Waiting for her to come in and essentially pronounce my new sentence. I had really felt calm about it all weekend but now I was sitting on the edge of my seat.

I have three larger tumors in my stomach, which I knew about from the last CT.  The largest one went from 4 centimeters to 5 centimeters.  Another one I think went from 3.5 centimeters to 4. The third one shrunk a little, and I can't remember its size.  My liver looked good, and didn't look unhealthy as you might expect.  Everything else looked really good.

She wasn't particularly concerned about the size of the  tumors getting larger.  She said they could be larger for other reasons such as swollen from being a bit inflamed for some reason. So the size might not be an accurate way of viewing my disease.  Mostly it depended on my blood work and how I felt in general.  And generally I feel good.  I felt very relieved to hear this as I had felt like things would be fine.

I however wasn't prepared for the next part. I have been having problems with my knees for several weeks.  Starting with my left knee, it hurt every day.  I finally asked my chiropractor about it when I went in to help me with my neck.  I told him about my knee and had him look at it.  He said my knee cap was out. He put it back in with this little pistol like thing that zaps my knee with a thud.  A few weeks later my right knee started hurting in exactly the same place.  So the chiropractor zapped both knees since the knee caps were both out.  I only seem to be able to go a couple of days before they go out again.  On a crazy hunch, I thought I would ask my oncologist about my knees, which I didn't think she could help me with. When I told her about them, she looked concerned and said my Nexavar can cause skeletal problems in joints, and that it could very much be the cause of my knee caps going out! In fact, she was pretty sure it was the Nexavar.  I couldn't believe it!  She then had me show her what the chiropractor does when he puts them back in, and I mimicked what he did.   She said to ask my chiropractor if he could teach me how to do it on my own at home, as I may be having this happen a lot.  She said the knees could get much worse in time and even affect other joints, so I am to really watch my knees these next three weeks until I see her again.

She did not have me go to four Nexavar yet because she wants to watch my blood pressure for about ten more days to keep it down, then I can call her and we will start on the regular dose of four finally, and hopefully no rash!

Whew! What a relief today to find out those things.  I sure love my doctor!

CT scan today

Thank you to my sister for taking me to my CTScan this morning.  The cocktails you have to drink were not that bad.  The results of them were the killer!  Not much sleep.

Whatever they find out, I feel at peace.  Can't wait to find out the results Tuesday at my appointment.

I was given a small silver angel to bless me with from a friend in Pennsylvania. I am supposed to keep her in my pocket or palm, or on a shelf.  She was with me in my pocket today.  Thank you Pat!

Cocktails and Dumb Hair

Well, today I got the "cocktails", (as they call them), that I have to drink before my CT scan on Friday.  I could pick Vanilla or berry.  Berry sounded good. It looks like chalk. It better not taste like it also.

Well, my darn hair is still falling out! Can you believe it?  It now has been coming out for three months!  I had a whole bunch of 3/4 inch hair on my pillow and in the sink.  (That's how long my hair is since I had my head shaved).  It made me grumpy. I have been so blasted mad at seeing hair coming out again that tonight I had Kim take the clippers to my head and shave me bald again.  Just that little bit looks so different again on me.  Dumb Hair!

I feel I need to be brave and put a picture on this blog, of me bald.  I don't want to but this is the story of what I am going through, and being bald is part of my life right now.  We'll see. I have had to do so many things the last few months that I never wanted to do, that, hey.... what is one more thing?

THANK YOU!

I need to tell all of you who read this blog, all of my family, neighbors, friends and loved ones and whomever else that reads this, a huge THANK YOU!  I have been treated like royalty by you all.  I have received many cards from you all. Wonderful gifts of encouragement,  prayers in my behalf, flowers, goodies, kind comments on this blog, and just love and concern from so many of you.  Just the thought that this blog is nearing 8,000 views tells me that I have so many people who care how I am doing.  (Why, I don't know).It boggles my mind and I feel very humbled. I even have a secret person who I hear from every two weeks, anonymously. She gives me encouragement and strength. Thank you all! I feel happy and very blessed through this trial.

Three pills a day now. Getting another CT scan.....finally.

I saw my oncologist yesterday.  Here are the results:

1- I am on 3 Nexivar (chemo) pills a day now.  Only one short now of my full dose.

2- My blood pressure is still too high.  I see my family doctor today about it again.

3- The most interesting news is that she wants to see how my cancer is progressing.  So she wants me to get another CT scan.  I have wondered about this for sometime.  With all of my set backs for weeks and weeks, that has been a concern of mine. She wants me to get the scan on the 25th of October and then we can talk about it the next time I see her on the 29th. She seems to think it isn't going to be too bad because she thinks I don't look like I am sick still. Wouldn't that be awesome if it isn't much different, or even better......if I have improved? I don't know if that could happen or not with my cancer, but I can hope.

I need to bring it DOWN!

This past 2 weeks have been some rough waters as I have had very high blood pressure, which is a reaction to my chemo, and it is doing a number on me.  Between my oncologist and family doctor, it just hasn't come down much, which in turn, may be the culprit of my severe headaches.  I have also been told it may be stress headaches, but what would I be stressed about?¥#*.
Whatever the reason, I have them night and day, and I seem to have no energy.  And to top it all off,  the gastrointestinal problems have been painful.  I am very much looking forward to my blood pressure being in normal range again so I can try to get to the about of chemo I need to be helped.  I am not there yet, and it sometimes gets frustrating. After listening to general conference, I loved the talks on trials in our lives, and I want to be like that tree that President Monson talked about that grew with the winds and rains, and what good wood it would someday make.  I loved that poem, and I should try to get a copy of that.

This is to a better week!  Onward and upward!

(I sure have the sweetest husband ever.  He is my best friend! )

My eyes were opened to the reality of taking chemo medication. Tears of Sadness and Joy

I went to see my doctor for my visit every two weeks with her.  Before I saw her, I needed to have my port, (Lucy)  be flushed and draw blood.  Flushing it should be done every 6-8 weeks since I don't have IV chemo.

As I was sitting there waiting my turn, I watched the nurse hooking up a lady to the catheter for what seemed to be her first time getting chemo.  Her husband was sitting close by as the nurse explained how her chemo had some benedryl mixed in with it, and pointed to another bag that would drain some anti-nausea medication in also.  I have never watched someone go through this and it was really tearing me up.  She finally was done being hooked up, and was told it would take about two hours.  I couldn't believe it!  I didn't know it took so long!  I then saw her husband reach over and hold her free hand and I silently watched and continued to tear up.  One- because she was scared I could tell, as I think it was her first time, and she didn't know what to think about the two hour time it was going to take. Two- it made me sad that it was going to make her nauseated and sick.  Three- it made me teary to see her sweet husband give her his love  and support by holding her hand.  And last of all, but certainly not least, I thanked my Heavenly Father that I can just pop a pill in my mouth....doing it twice a day, and I don't have to leave my home, and I don't have nausea.  I thanked my Father in Heaven for that blessing for me, and  I cried for her to be healed.

I have a friend from high school who I saw at my class reunion the first of the month, and yesterday she sent me a package with this plaque with the saying above, a picture of us both, a birthday card, and this story that she said is one she has used many times for her kids as they were growing up.  I just love the saying on this plaque.  And I equally love this story.  I hope you reading this, will love it as I do.

The Refiner's Fire

There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi.  As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three, which says:

                                     "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at the next Bible Study.  That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.

She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.  As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.  He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest, so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot---then she thought again about the verse that says,

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.  The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.  If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment.  Then she asked the silversmith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh that's easy---when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image-- in you.

Be blessed!



Perfect Time Of Year To Wear Wigs......HALLOWEEN. Anything goes!

So glad to find my Halloween wigs in my Halloween decorations boxes.  Hey, I will have a different wig for every whim I have each day.  Don't you wish you had so many hair choices?  Shave your head and I will share! It sure is easy to fix your hair!!!

My Mrs. Weesley look



 

Punk rocker

Sonny

    & Cher

 

Am I allergic to dishwashers? I must be.

Well, I had a setback Friday evening.  Kim and I were in an appliance store looking and when we started looking at dishwashers, I started hurting, and on a scale of 1-100, my pain level went from 1 to 110 in less than 60 seconds. I had to walk away while Kim talked to the salesman and I leaned on a dryer down the isle, and I thought I would pass out.  One of the owners saw I wasn't feeling good, and asked me if I wanted to sit down. I couldn't even answer them.  I got Kim's attention from where I was standing and mouthed to him that I was sick. He pretty much could see something was really wrong and quickly came to my side.  I thought I may have to go to the emergency room, but after about 20 minutes it started letting up and subsiding some. I didn't feel too great the rest of the weekend, but nothing like those 20 minutes that came on so suddenly that I didn't know what hit me!  It was a reminder of my illness that usually doesn't flare up.  Humm.... I felt like a wimp in that store.  I must be allergic to dishwashers is all I can figure out!

BLACK! I can't really believe I did that!

 On Tuesday, my oncologist upped my dose to 2 a day instead of 1!  Yea.  I am 2 days into it and feel great!

OK.  I have had requests for a picture of the black hair.  Here it is!  I like my regular hair color best but this has been fun just for kicks.  Hey....if I am going to be bald, I am going to have a good time with it!  So if you see Kim with someone you don't recognize in black hair, it's still just me!

Hair, no hair, hats, more hair

 

Well, that day really did come that I hoped would never come.  Over 5 weeks ago I started losing my hair.  Everyday I would get handfuls and find hair all over my pillows, sheets, in the shower drain, sink, bathroom floor, all over the house.  It has been mentally a very hard thing to go through.  I kept wanting to just shave it all off, but I just couldn't do it.  It was like a death to get rid of my hair.  But the mental part of watching my hair disappear daily and cleaning up after it was really getting to me and I finally couldn't do it anymore.  Wednesday, 9/11, I ended that turmoil and now I am at peace with myself.  I had my head shaved. The above picture was taken the day before I did it. I know it probably doesn't look sparse from the picture, but I had a lot of scalp showing.  I was very self conscious about it.  After I had it shaved at the wig shop, I put on my wig and took this other picture of me in the car, and went hat shopping!

Several hats later, I went to McKay Hospital, and through the National Cancer Society, I went wig shopping AGAIN! Only this time, I picked hair that I have never had anything like it before.  I went with black hair!  I couldn't believe I really did that!  That is my adventurous side.  I am not brave enough yet to put a picture of me on this blog, with the black wig on. 

So in the same day, Kim got a bald wife and a black haired wife.  He probably doesn't know what to think!  No, actually he has been so sweet and supportive.  I had them video me cutting my hair off, and I texted the video to him, and later that day he shared with me how emotional it was for him to watch my hair getting shaved.  We both have had a few tears over it, but hey......it's just hair right?  Hopefully it will come back.  There could be a chance it wont all come back. But I'll take what I can get.

 

I have to tell you a funny story with my 5 year old grand daughter Ava.  I was watching her and her little brother Axel while my daughter was at her doctor appointment, and that morning I had had my head shaved.  Ava and I were eating lunch. Here is what happened. 

Me: Ava. Grammy has a surprise to show you.

Ava: What is it Grammy?

I lifted off my wig, and there was my bald head.  Her eyes went huge, and she walked around me to see the back of my head.

Ava:  What happened Grammy?

Me:  Grammy had to have her hair shaved off because it kept falling out all over the house.

Ava: Now will it not be messy?

Me: Nope. It wont be messy any more

Ava: (Handing me back my wig) Here Grammy, hurry and put this back on!!!!

I couldn't stop laughing.  She DID NOT like seeing me bald.  She didn't want us wasting any more time with that wig off!!  That will be a funny memory for me. 

I saw this picture at the bookstore, and bought this pocketsize for me.

This is what I feel is happening to me.  And how grateful I am for it.

Now you see it....Now you don't!

Within 6 hours from starting my chemo, I broke out with a rash down my arms, trunk, and legs.  Much different looking rash than last time.  Nonetheless, just as itchy. I about went nuts scratching at work.  I know I am not supposed to scratch, but how do I not? I really do try not to.  I called the dermatologist and he got me in the very next morning, but alas.........there was nothing for him to see this morning!  The rash was gone.  Isn't that the way it goes!  I told him I had pictures to show him from last evening, but he didn't seem to want to see them.  Don't you hate feeling stupid when you have something doctor worthy, you go and ta-da....... You are better!

I have felt nauseated quite a bit of the day today, and extremely tired. I haven't slept well for several nights and I think my body got run down. I came home from work and went right to bed. So.....no rash today, and no itching.......YAY!